So lately I've felt like I'm in 7th grade.

melodramatic poetry, stupid mistakes, immaturity, all the sure signs...

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red release of emotion
gushing bittersweetness
taking shape in my open mouth
and winging outward on the wide sounds from my throat
biting gritting grinding words
forcing through clenched teeth
hoarsely scraping upward and out

angry water squeezes through my black lashes
and traces muddy paths to my chin
overlooked mistake after underestimated sin
rearing their heads one by one
demanding to finally be acknowledged and cried for
again again again.

until my worthlessness is beyond doubt.

forearm muscles taut
cheeks and fingers hot
hating what I'm not
I try to steer the car.

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sweet nearness
I'm shaking
it's been so long so long
foolish child
forgetful
absent mindedly wrong
helpless
sitting blankly
not knowing but crushed by the weight of
knowing
I miss you
I'm floundering
affirmation
a sweet toxin to hold my sadness
at bay
smooth a hair at my cheek
straighten my shirt
my body
the scale of my shallow self-worth
choking sensation
I not at my desk
politely agreeing
as controlled I careen
without seeing am seen
I don't know what I mean
or like what I think.