responding

Sometimes, stepping outside overwhelms me. When I tell people that, they'll nod and be like "yeah, ok cool." No. You don't understand. I'm not even talking about stepping outside and viewing a mountain vista or a waterfall. Sometimes when I just step outside after class, the weight of nature almost crushes me. I'm a very sensory oriented person, and sometimes nature overloads all five of them. At moments like this, I have to pause and collect myself. It's not enough to shrug it off and keep walking. I actually have to stop and take a deep breath and be in awe, once again, of God's creativity and bigness. I have to respond in some way to His creation. If I had my way, I would put my stuff down and start jumping and spinning around and singing nonsense words in adoration and praise, but the goal here is not really to make people think Christians are lunatics. But something has to be done. He deserves it-with creation, He demands it! How creative is He? He thought up matter and dimensions and time and space first of all, which is a pretty big deal, but on top of that, He created taste buds and soundwaves and texture and every shade of the color red. We don't strictly need any of those things, He's just super artistic and wants to bring pleasure to the crown of His creation. We are for Him, and nature is for us. Isn't that overwhelming?

nonsense

smile nod and laugh
embarrassed at our mutual unspoken attraction
sit and stay
spend the day
finding out who I am
and why I like you.
Learning my likes and loves
and telling me yours.
hold my hand and let me
know you through lingering meeting
of your new eyes
through the gray passing of voices and faces
buzzing around us
pushing time onward
but we agree it should stay
for a little
at least.

smile wishingly and let us
learn each other well
and quickly
unknowing history and why
and money and
laundry and garbage
and empty coffee cups and
gas tanks.

staying in today longer than we should be allowed.
putting away your last loves and my
unrealized romances.
because we are we and new
and you’re with me
and I
like you.

---------------------------------

that melody.
it won't leave me alone
soaring and catching my thoughts mid-stride

so brown and green and ancient
lilting my longings out for
everyone to hear and misunderstand.
high and tall
a cry a call
begging my surrender
asking me to fall.

blood and honor far away
years and kings and dark and day
love and touch and hate and cry
live a little want to die

chase a banner just to chase
give it all for just a taste
on the wind beneath the grey
cold and close and on the way

catch the song and call it mine
travel past the edge of time
sell my soul
in winning lose.
all I have to do is choose.

So lately I've felt like I'm in 7th grade.

melodramatic poetry, stupid mistakes, immaturity, all the sure signs...

------------------------------

red release of emotion
gushing bittersweetness
taking shape in my open mouth
and winging outward on the wide sounds from my throat
biting gritting grinding words
forcing through clenched teeth
hoarsely scraping upward and out

angry water squeezes through my black lashes
and traces muddy paths to my chin
overlooked mistake after underestimated sin
rearing their heads one by one
demanding to finally be acknowledged and cried for
again again again.

until my worthlessness is beyond doubt.

forearm muscles taut
cheeks and fingers hot
hating what I'm not
I try to steer the car.

------------------------------

sweet nearness
I'm shaking
it's been so long so long
foolish child
forgetful
absent mindedly wrong
helpless
sitting blankly
not knowing but crushed by the weight of
knowing
I miss you
I'm floundering
affirmation
a sweet toxin to hold my sadness
at bay
smooth a hair at my cheek
straighten my shirt
my body
the scale of my shallow self-worth
choking sensation
I not at my desk
politely agreeing
as controlled I careen
without seeing am seen
I don't know what I mean
or like what I think.